A SPECIAL BLOG

This is my first time I blogging at someone's house, our jason and xiuling new house.




Actually alot of friends discouraging me from writing this post. But I persisted and pluck my courage to post this to express my deepest feelings.



Why am i saying it out again, maybe they are concerning about me. Supposed to be a good teachers' party, but i wore the wrong mask today. An emo mask showing everyone.



Feeling terrible but i want to call it an end. I do not want to keep it in my heart anymore. I am troubled with so many things recently, my father, my works, my studies and my love dilemma. Today i feel like talking about my love dilemma as all these while i did not have the courage to say it out. I feel i do not want to leave things unsettle and leave beside a scar. I should not hide my feeling as this is my blog, i got the freedom to say anything i want. If i am still scare or afraid of people saying, then i should in the first place go back to my old diary writing.



I know there is something wrong from 17-04-09 friday, our last meeting. Can see you are purposely cold towards me, from your every reply. Just because i did something good for you again and repeated the history again? 6 times rejected and promised what we have previously said on christmas eve as not to mention this issue again.



Yes the gifts are more than a friend's doing. I know in the first place i should not give them to you. But i know the stress you are facing in your final exam and at the same time someone passed away. I know that kind of feeling. So i told myself i have to give them to you no matter what happened. I know doing these stuffs is like a kid, and it is very foolish. But it is just my little token of concern and effort to cheer you up. My main motive is to want you to give it all out in your last papers. Actually i am looking to the day when i can attend your convocation.



Frankly telling you, yes the stuffs i did, i got put feeling on it when doing. I admit myself i still love you sincerely. Alway staying aside quietly helping you as a friend. It is only friend role then i can have the privilege to help you. You still remembered our last wine session when you asked me this question, why all these while, unlike others, why am i still treating you so good? I purposely jumped the topic as i am afraid that i will scare you away if you know the real answer. Well you got the answer now. Am i so foolish and naive that i alway handle my love relationship so seriously and faithfully, treating a girl so good. I alway think time will tell everything unlike others that sometimes treat love like probation period. Ever since i get to know you, i finally realised the true meaning of love. I feel i can do anything for you, i want to take care of you, share your sorrow and share my happiness with you. I thought after a certain period of time you will understand how I feel towards you. I am not sure when you will accept me but I do not mind waiting by your side helping you, concerning about you. I really never push you and ask for any forms of return. I just want to see you happy in your life, then i will feel better.



Well i think in the end, it is my fault. I putting in too much feeling on it and put you in a difficult position although I know you want to accept me just as a close friend.



I am writing this is not to get your attention or concern but just want to say it out for myself. But why everytime i did anything good for you, you will straight away disappear. Do you know i doing all those stuffs is not for anything but just want to encourage you, JIA YOU! Guess i am scaring you away and put you in a hard position to face me. I know you are not ready as you just gain your freedom. It is something u alway say being single is great. Well i really do not agree as if you really meet someone special, then you should seize the opportunity to be with that special one. Well I feel I do not have the right to stop you and say you anything but I think I respect your desicion. I have to move on and wish you all the best.



I am really feeling lost nowadays, feeling listless during work. After work, I have nothing to look forward to. I just feel that I have lost my aim in life. So I tell myself I must pick myself up, regained my drive and zest in life and move on. I am just too tired and exhausted right now and I want to start afresh with the next stage of my life. I am no longer young and I still have alot of exciting things waiting for me to experience... so if fate permits, our paths may cross again....



Hope you really can find a guy who truly love you. I do not want wish to see you hurt again. It will make me feel pain.

So take care and friends always.

Love,
Joe Sim
28-06-09
02:50 AM