a night of thinking...

Stress can create cancer..
really not sure if there is anything growing in it.
I do hope it is a false alarm.

each day when i get to know the result is going to come out soon, my whole mind keeps thinking alot.
i am trying to take thing easily, but do not know why my whole body do not permitted.

again 5am, i still cant get to sleep, my sleeping cycle is off again.
i keep thinking alot of things..work..studies..friends...and ntu..

yesterday met up with darren, i did not know why i got such a serious talk with him about my life.
He also believe its not me myself esp this period.
I told him i am giving a thought of leaving everyone..
maybe to him, he is thinking i am kidding with him.
i just do not want to involve in anything, helping in anything, do not want to be in anywhere!!
Look at the time, i am not sure did i wasted or not..
i do not know how to describe my feeling nw.
and exam is coming soon, two more weeks..

Recently i need to search one of her sms and went through every single of her sms that i have kept for these yrs.
reading on every sms, telling me about what we have went through, what i have did and giving out my best to help her.
almost coming to 3 yrs of waiting... 17-11-07...
hw i wish we can get to know each other in the beginning again.
a fresh new start like last time, where almost everyday we get to chat on phone, share all the things she is doing.

I know its impossible now for this start. To her, i should really thank her, all the while she is doing her homework well for not being MIA, something which i told her. But to me, i disappointed her again and again for not doing my homework well.

Recently we met and did not know why we discussed this topic again.
I told her i still like her, cannot be stopped.
But i will do my homework well this time regardless what she did. Cos i always think too much, thinking isit she is doing it for me.
Well i have stated in the previous blog message, i treasure her such a good friend here, do not want to lose her anymore.
Whenever my feeling is too close to her, i will just do my homework well myself.
I just do not want to lose such a friend again.

Anyway i keep thinking,what can i give it to her.
Look at me now, its like everything not proper done yet.
I still need a few yrs to get my career on track with my studies completed.
By the time her age, she should have married.
Normally girls married around the right time at age 24-27.
Time does tell something.
I feel she can find much better, stable guy comparing to me.

Recently also heard from her, got guys going after her.
And whenever we go out, i also got noticed she is busy on sms-ing.
I think she has found a guy she likes.
If not she wont ask me this qns: will u still ask me out, if i got a bf.
Well i told myself i should feel happy for her and i should try not to disturb her 'honey period' too much.

Being a guy, i should concentrate on my career.
Let love relationship stuff put it the least priority ba,
and let my career and studies be the first priority from now onwards..
Must to--
I believe my focus abit off the track recently.

Well haiz guess this year my birthday going to be a lonely special year of 30 again.
Single...single...and... still single.... for 30yrs... :(

Joe
13-07-10
6.54am